Een man ligt al een lange tijd in coma en zijn vrouw wijkt geen minuut van zijn ziekbed. Op een dag komt de man bij bewustzijn en wenkt zijn vrouw meteen dichterbij.
Hij fluistert in haar oor: "in alle kwade dagen bleef jij bij mij. Toen ik ontslagen werd, was jij er voor mij, toen mijn zaak bankroet ging, heb je me niet in de steek gelaten, toen ons huis afbrandde, zijn we samen een ander onderdak gaan zoeken en toen mijn gezondheid slechter werd bleef je steeds aan mijn zijde. Weet je wat ik denk?"
De ogen van de vrouw vullen zich met tranen van ontroering. "Zeg het maar schatje, zeg het maar" zegt ze snikkend.
"Dat jij ongeluk brengt ..."
Een oude dame stapt in de lift van een geweldig chic flatgebouw. Een mooie jonge dame stapt ook de lift binnen en verspreid een sterke parfumgeur. Ze bekijkt de oude dame met een arrogante blik en zegt tegen haar: "Romance van Ralph Lauren, 150 euro per flesje".
Op de volgende etage stapt een andere mooie jonge dame in de lift en verspreid eveneens een sterke parfumgeur. Ze bekijkt de twee andere vrouwen met een geweldige koele blik en zegt: "No.5 van Chanel, 300 euro per flesje".
Drie etages later stapt de oude vrouw uit de lift. Voor ze uitstapt bekijkt ze de twee mooie meisjes, laat een geweldige scheet en zegt: "Bruine bonen van HAK, 99 eurocent per pot".
Een man is samen met zijn vrouw boodschappen aan het doen. Op een gegeven moment is hij zijn vrouw kwijt dus gaat alleen met het karretje door de winkel, op zoek naar zijn vrouw.
Plots botst hij met zijn karretje tegen het karretje van een andere man aan.
"Oh, mijn excuses meneer,' zegt de man. 'ik lette even niet op, ik ben mijn vrouw kwijt en zoek haar."
"Nou, dat is toevallig.' zegt de ander. 'Ik ben ook mijn vriendin kwijt en zoek haar ook."
"Dat is inderdaad toevallig." zegt de eerste man en vraagt hoe zijn vriendin eruit ziet.
De man zegt: "Ze is lang, slank, blond haar, mooie grote borsten, lange benen, zwarte laarzen, en een kort rokje... En hoe ziet uw vrouw eruit?"
"Wat kan dat schelen?" zegt de man. "We gaan de jouwe zoeken!"
Twee vriendinnen die bij de politie werken, gaan het postkantoor binnen om zegels te kopen. Ze staan in de rij wanneer er plots twee gemaskerde gangsters binnenvallen met het geweer in de aanslag, roepende: "Dit is een overval, iedereen op de grond!"
De ene vrouw gaat op haar buik liggen en kijkt opzij naar haar vriendin, die op haar rug ligt. Ze fluistert haar stilletjes toe: 'Jeannine, draai om, 't is een overval, geen personeelsfeestje!'
Een echtpaar komt op het vliegveld aan na een vakantie in de tropen. Daar hebben ze een slang en een stinkdier gevangen die ze nu het land in willen smokkelen.
Vlak voor de douane begint de vrouw zenuwachtig heen en weer te schuifelen.
Ze zegt tegen haar man: "Wat moeten we nu doen?
"Weet je wat," zegt haar man, "ik bind de slang om mijn middel, zodat het op een riem lijkt, en jij doet het stinkdier in je slipje."
De vrouw kijkt hem verschrikt aan en zegt: "Maar dat stinkt toch heel erg?"
Waarop de man zegt: "Ach, zo'n beest kan daar vast wel even tegen."
Een reeks korte mopjes...
hij: schat, wat zou je doen als ik de Lotto win?
zij: ik neem de helft en ik vertrek
hij: mooi, ik heb 12 euro gewonnen, hier heb je 6 euro. Tot ziens!
hij: zeg me de drie woorden die geliefden voor altijd aan elkaar binden?
zij: ik ben zwanger!
zij: nee Hans, ik ga pas ná het trouwen met je naar bed!
hij: bel me als je getrouwd bent!
Op de bank:
'Zo'n partnerruil is toch wel even wennen ...'
'Ja, ik zou wel eens willen weten wat onze vrouwen nu doen'
'Mevrouw Jansen praat niet meer met haar man'
'Ze vroeg hem om 100 euro om naar de schoonheidssalon te gaan'
'Hij gaf haar 1.000 euro ... '
'Papa, klopt het dat in sommige delen van Afrika de mannen hun vrouw vóór het huwelijk niet kennen?'
'Dat is in elk land zo, mijn zoon ...'
Vraagt de ene blondine aan de ander:
'Wat denk je dat verder weg is, Londen of de maan?'
'Ja hallooooo .... kun je Londen vanaf hier zien?'
Politieagent: 'Wat heeft u gedronken?'
Bestuurder: 'Schrijf maar op: een krat bier; champagne kun je toch niet schrijven ... '
Politieagent: 'Uw naam?'
Politieagent: 'Hoe schrijf je dat?'
Bestuurder: 'Met een liggend streepje!'
'ik heb constant een erectie. Wat kunt u mij daarvoor geven?'
De medewerkster denkt kort na en antwoordt: 'gratis inwonen en drie maaltijden per dag!'
Piet zit in de kroeg. Als er buiten een begrafenisstoet langskomt, neemt hij zijn pet af. "Wat doe je dat netjes," zegt een andere cafébezoeker. "Ach ja" zegt Piet, "uiteindelijk zijn we 28 jaar met elkaar getrouwd geweest."
Een man en een vrouw zitten samen op de sofa gezellig een flesje wijn te drinken. Zegt de man: "Ik wed dat jij me niet iets kan vertellen dat me tegelijkertijd blij en triest kan maken."
De vrouw denkt even na en zegt dan: "Jouw piemel is groter dan die van je broer ..."
Met z'n allen thuis met Kerstmis...
Een man in Eindhoven belt zijn zoon in Parijs daags voor Kerstavond en zegt "Ik vind het vreselijk om je dag te verpesten maar ik moet je vertellen dat je moeder en ik gaan scheiden, vijfenveertig jaar ellende is genoeg."
“Waar heb je het over” schreeuwt de zoon.
“We kunnen elkaar niet meer luchten of zien zegt de vader, wij worden ziek van elkaar, het maakt me al beroerd om erover te praten, dus vertel jij het je zuster in Londen maar.”
De zoon belt als de bliksem zijn zus die zowat explodeert aan de telefoon.
“Er wordt om de sodemieter niet gescheiden” schreeuwt ze, "ik regel dit wel!"
Ze belt Eindhoven en gilt tegen haar vader “ER WORDT NIET GESCHEIDEN. Je doet helemaal niks voor dat ik er ben. Ik bel mijn broer terug en wij zijn er morgen en voor die tijd doe je helemaal niks, versta je!!”
De vader hangt de telefoon op. Grijnst tegen zijn vrouw en zegt "Zo, da's geregeld. Ze zijn met Kerst hier en ze betalen zelf de reis".
Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?".
In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?". She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00".
Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?".
"That's obvious" the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture...".
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him.
"I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked...
He quickly answered, "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".
A group of women all work in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they'd be right behind her. After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them.
"NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!"
A girl goes to the doctor and takes off her shirt to be examined.
On her chest she has a huge red "H."
The doctor asks, "How did you get that red 'H' on your chest?"
She replies, "My boyfriend goes to Harvard and he's so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making love."
So the next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her shirt and has a huge blue "Y" on her chest.
The doctor asks, "How did you get that blue 'Y' on your chest?"
The girl replies, "My boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making love."
The next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her shirt and she has a huge green "M" on her chest.
The doctor asks, "Do you have a boyfriend who goes to Michigan?" and the girl replies, "No, but I have a girlfriend who goes to Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on the window that read:
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read:
"Chinese Torture # 3: Right Testicle tied to bedpost."
Morris is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Joe, is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
"Hey Joe, he yells out - I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of it,...it's only an earring." says Joe sheepishly.
"No really," probes Morris, "How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!
One Fine Day In A Hospital
A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to wash his hands and feet.
"Nurse...," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies: "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again and the nurse hears him say again : "are my testicles black?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, takes a close look and says there's nothing wrong with them....."
Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies: "That was very nice what you just did......but please........for the last time...... "Are-my-test-results-back ?? "
Ein Mercedes und ein Kuh
Ein Bauer kaufte sich einen Mercedes C180 D von der Daimler-Benz AG. Er ärgerte sich über die Aufpreise der Sonderausstattung. Kurze Zeit später kaufte sich ein Vorstandmitglied der Daimler-Benz AG von diesem Bauern eine Kuh für seinen Freizeithof. Der Bauer schrieb folgende Rechnung:
* Preis ohne Überführung
A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what he man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, "Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?"
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years: raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming,
"YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!"
"YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!"
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:
Dear Wife,You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs that you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and sincerely hope that you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.Your Husband .................
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband,You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Since you are the mathematician, you will appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.
Walls And Fences,
Windows And Gates?
You can follow the very expensive Windows-courses to become an MCSE:
Minesweeper Consultant and Solitaire Expert!
Windows is a 32-bit upgrade for a 16-bit shell on an 8-bit OS for a 4-bit processor made by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition
- or something like that -
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying:
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living.
The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils stashed in his pocket protector, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
That's not my job
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have.
A little boy asked his father, "What is politics?"
The father replied, "Let me put it this way: I am the breadwinner of the family, so we will call me capitalism. Your mother is the family administrator, so let's call her the government. We work to care for your needs, so you are the people. The nanny works hard all day long for very little money, so she represents the working class. And your baby brother is the future."
That night the child was awakened by his baby brother crying. He went to the nursery and discovered that he had a badly soiled diaper. He then went to his parents room to find his father gone and his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he went to the nanny's room. The door was locked. So he looked through the key hole to find his father in bed with the nanny. The next morning he went to his father and said, "I think I understand politics now".
"Tell me in your own words," his father replied, "what you think politics is."
The little boy said, "Well while the government is sleeping, capitalism is screwing the working class. The people are being ignored. And the future is in deep shit."
One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers.
"God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."
Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again.
"God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."
The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father again overheard his sons prayers.
"God Bless Mommy. Goodbye Daddy."
This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive!
When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."
"YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?", the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"
When the last of the animals had filed aboard the Ark two by two, Noah called in a demanding voice, "Listen up! There will definitely be NO SEX for the duration of this trip. Separate accommodation has been provided for everyone, but just to make sure, all you males are to parade past my sons who will remove your penises and I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you will have your penises reattached."
Ten times a day, every day, Mr. Rabbit would storm into his wife's cage in a highly anxious state and demand "Quick! Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"
Mrs. Rabbit would climb onto his shoulders and look out the window with always the same result. "Sorry, no land yet."
"Hell!" Mr. Rabbit would grumble and hop dejectedly back to his own cage.
This went on day after day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and forty nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?"
"Look! Look!" cried Mr. Rabbit as he held out a piece of paper....
"I GOT THE DONKEY'S RECEIPT!!"
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS"
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.
"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my god... And what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 554-7039?"
To: My Boss
Subject: Changing calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months: